a million directions in maybe as many words. (this is gonna be a bummer. sorry.)

i hope i don’t regret reading this again later. it’s 4:30am.

i’m gonna come right out and say it: i’m depressed. hopeless. whatever. i don’t want to be melodramatic about it and i don’t want to give the impression that i’m slumped in a chair crying every day. nothing feels right and i hate that.

…but i’m ignoring it. for the last seven months i’ve been floating through life, realizing that all my friends have left their respective hometowns and done something with their lives(whether they think so or not); they’ve taken risks, made new friends, become adults. i have yet to even really try. instead, i’ve been rotting in this city, wanting desperately for good friends and a purpose. i don’t even know what’s keeping me here.

when school was over, i knew i was going to need a break, so i took the summer off and didn’t apply to any jobs. i had a list of things i was going to accomplish. this list was going to keep me fresh and interested in something, like learning drums and other various instruments, growing a garden, drawing, traveling. i was gonna volunteer at the art museum and get involved with the art community. i started a blog for my drawings that i update maybe once a month. that’s about it.

the other day i found out i have less than $300 in my bank account. that’s still a bit of money, but my first thought was how will i get away now? i hate my house and if i’m being honest, my mom is a terrible roommate. and thus, the job hunt began. it went better last month. at the beginning of december, i met with a guy at a design firm. they weren’t hiring, but they still wanted to meet me. i didn’t totally bomb it, but it didn’t seem like it ended so positively either. i knew i should have sent that thank you e-mail, because i hadn’t expected such a chance or such nice people, but i never did. and here we are a month later: i’ve lost what little drive i had at the time and i’m back to square one. only this time i really do need a job.

people have been telling me i should just get any job at this point, since i’m not sure about design. grad school was under consideration for a hot second, but i didn’t really feel any better or more secure about it. i thought i could just get a job at the mall or something, but then i realized how much i’d hate seeing the people i went to high school with. i avoided them even at my most successful (just because i hate having those awkward conversations). and therein lies the problem: success and my lack of it.

i’ve never been an underachiever in my life. i was always on the honor roll, i’ve only ever had one C in a class; i was just too afraid to fail (or be less than average, i guess). all of it was leading up to my success as a college graduate, but i didn’t think about anything beyond that. putting so much focus on grades left me clueless in a world where there are none. i’d always seen myself as a career woman, but now that i’m to that point, i’m shaking in my proverbial boots. i’m still daydreaming about singing in a band, giving knockout performances in my car, probably looking like a crazy to others on the road. some days i really think i could have done it if i hadn’t been too shy to sing in front of people…but that’s a different entry entirely.

i’m upset with myself for feeling so content in my laziness, for letting it go on this long. it’s hard to talk to almost anyone i know without feeling like i really let myself go…and that they probably know. the real world got the best of me and i became that jaded college graduate i said i’d never be.

this is the part where people tell me “you can do it!” or “but you’re good at everything you do!” and i don’t want to hear that. i’m not even really sure why i wrote this here.  it’s not a cry for help and i’m not fishing for compliments. it just seemed like a thing to do.

welp. this has been a post.